Most people don’t struggle because they feel too much. They struggle because they haven’t been shown how to stay with what they feel.

Uncomfortable emotions: anxiety, frustration, shame, restlessness, tend to trigger a quick response: fix it, avoid it, distract from it, or override it. That makes sense. If something feels bad, your system wants it to stop.

But the problem isn’t the feeling itself. It’s the urgency to get away from it.

Building distress tolerance for uncomfortable feelings isn’t about forcing yourself to sit in distress endlessly. It’s about increasing your capacity to stay present just a little longer than you usually would.

Here’s what it can look like!

There’s always a moment, sometimes subtle, sometimes sharp, where a feeling shifts from “this is uncomfortable” to “I need this gone.”

It might look like:

• Reaching for your phone when you feel awkward
• Changing the subject when something gets emotional
• Overthinking to avoid actually feeling something in your body
• Leaving a situation quickly without knowing why

Instead of jumping straight into action, pause for a few seconds.

Not to fix anything. Just to notice: “This is the moment I usually check out.” That awareness is the starting point. You can’t build tolerance if you don’t catch the exit door.

A common mistake is trying to “handle” the whole emotion at once.

Instead, shrink the task.

You’re not trying to tolerate all of your anxiety. You’re trying to tolerate 10 seconds of it.

Try this:

• Set a quiet timer for 10–20 seconds
• Let the feeling be there without changing it
• Take some big deep belly breaths
• When the timer ends, you can choose what to do next

Shift the narrative to “I can’t handle this” to “I’m gonna stay here for the next 10 seconds through my breath”

Uncomfortable emotions often feel overwhelming because they’re vague.

Instead of saying “I feel anxious,” try and see if you can connect where its showing up in your body:

• Tightness in your chest
• A buzzing in your arms
• A drop in your stomach
• Heat in your face

Then get even more specific:

• Is it steady or moving?
• Sharp or dull?
• Does it change when you focus on it?

This does two things:

1. It gives your mind something concrete to focus on
2. It often reduces the intensity, even slightly

Most of the distress doesn’t come from the feeling itself, but from the meaning attached to it.

For example:

• “I feel anxious” turns into “Something is wrong”
• “I feel rejected” turns into “I’m not good enough”
• “I feel overwhelmed” turns into “I can’t handle this”

Practice separating the two:

“This is anxiety in my chest” (sensation) vs. “This means I’m not okay” (story)

You don’t have to argue with the story or replace it with something positive. Just notice that it’s there.

Tolerance isn’t about sitting rigidly or enduring discomfort with clenched teeth.

It’s more like staying in gentle contact.

You might:

• Keep one hand on your chest or stomach
• Soften your posture instead of bracing
• Let your breathing slow slightly, without forcing it

The goal is not to eliminate the feeling, but to signal: “I can be here while this is here.”

Building tolerance doesn’t mean never leaving discomfort.

It means choosing how and when you step away.

After staying with a feeling for a short period, you might:

• Go for a walk
• Text a friend
• Shift your attention to something grounding

The key difference is that you’re not escaping automatically, there's intention behind the action. 

This is one of the major points of building distress tolerance, if you’re used to avoiding or managing feelings quickly, this will feel unfamiliar and possibly really silly.

You might think:

• “This isn’t working”
• “I’m just making it worse”
• “I don’t like this”

That’s not a sign you’re doing it wrong. It’s a sign you’re doing something different. Tolerance is built through repetition, not intensity.

You don’t need to become someone who is completely comfortable with every emotion. That’s not realistic.What changes things is becoming someone who doesn’t immediately leave when discomfort shows up. And over time, what once felt overwhelming becomes something you can move through, rather than something you have to escape.

With love,

Julia Bursey