Most of us don’t walk into relationships with a blank slate. We arrive with a quiet set of expectations, rules, and assumptions, many of which we didn’t consciously choose. These are the stories we inherited about how relationships work.

They often come from the family systems we grew up in. Not just what was said, but what was modeled, repeated, avoided, or left unresolved.

Here are some of the most common family models, and the specific ways they can shape how we show up in our adult relationships. 

Before we get into it, like with anything you read online, I’m speaking to general attachment theory, and generalities, these may not be your experiences and that’s ok!

In some families, conflict is rarely visible. Disagreements were brushed over, redirected, or quietly buried. There may have been a sense that conflict happens in secrecy, or 

What you might have learned:

• “Conflict is unnecessary.”
• “It’s better to keep the peace than to say what I really feel.”
• “My needs might create problems.”
• “It’s not a big deal, I’ll get on with it”

How this shows up now:

• You hesitate to bring things up, even when they matter.
• You downplay hurt or tell yourself “it’s not a big deal.”
• Resentment builds quietly, then comes out sideways or all at once.

Rewriting the story:
Start experimenting with naming small things in real time. Not everything needs to be a big conversation. You might say, “Hey, I noticed I felt a bit off earlier when _____ happened, I’d like to talk about it.”

Sometimes this doesn’t start with your partner or friends, but rather recognizing for yourself “hey, something felt weird about that”. Honesty with yourself is key when it comes to confronting our patterns. 

In other families, conflict was loud, unpredictable, or emotionally intense. Arguments may have escalated quickly, with little repair afterward, and a real “gloves come off” when fighting approach.

What you might have learned:

• “Conflict means things are about to get out of control.”
• “I need to protect myself, either by shutting down or getting louder.”
• “It’s not safe to stay present when things get heated.”

How this shows up now:

• You feel flooded quickly during disagreements.
• You either withdraw completely or react strongly to protect yourself.
• You may assume conflict will damage the relationship.
• You may name call, yell, storm out.

Rewriting the story:
Focus on pacing and taking time. Slowing things down is key. You might say, “I want to keep talking about this, but I need a 10-minute break to settle.” Learning that conflict can stay contained, and that repair is possible; helps create a new internal reference point.

In some homes, emotions weren’t openly expressed. Care may have been shown through actions rather than words, but emotional conversations were limited.

What you might have learned:

• “Emotions are private or uncomfortable.”
• “I should handle things on my own.”
• “Vulnerability isn’t necessary.”

How this shows up now:

• You struggle to name or share what you’re feeling.
• You may feel uncomfortable when a partner expresses strong emotions.
• You default to problem-solving instead of emotional connection.
• Vulnerability may land as intrusion. 

Rewriting the story:
Start by expanding your emotional vocabulary. Even simple statements like, “I think I felt a bit overwhelmed earlier,” can open the door. You don’t have to go from 0 to 100, just practice letting someone (even just yourself) see a little more of your internal world.

In these families, closeness was high, but boundaries may have been unclear and non existent. Feelings, decisions, or responsibilities were often shared or intertwined.

What you might have learned:

• “Closeness means being deeply involved in each other’s lives.”
• “It’s my job to manage how others feel.”
• “Distance might mean disconnection or rejection.”

How this shows up now:

• You feel responsible for your partner’s emotions.
• You may struggle to tolerate space or independence.
• Boundaries can feel uncomfortable or guilt-inducing.
• You may feel an entitlement to know exactly what's going on in someone else's life. 

Rewriting the story:
Practice separating what’s yours and what’s not. You might remind yourself, “I can care about how they feel without taking it on as my responsibility.” Healthy relationships include both connection and autonomy, they’re not opposites.

In some environments, care and attention were inconsistent. At times you felt close and supported, and other times uncertain or disconnected.

What you might have learned:

• “I need to stay alert to changes in connection.”
• “Love can come and go.”
• “I might have to work to keep someone close.”

How this shows up now:

• You may feel anxious when communication changes.
• You look for reassurance or signs of stability.
• Small shifts in tone or behaviour can feel significant.

Rewriting the story:
Build internal steadiness alongside external reassurance. Notice when your mind fills in gaps with worst-case interpretations. You might pause and ask, “What do I actually know right now?” Over time, consistent experiences in relationships can help reshape this expectation.

These patterns aren’t flaws but emotional blue printing we all have. They made sense in the context you grew up in. But they don’t have to define how your relationships look now. Rewriting these stories isn’t about blaming your family or forcing change overnight. It’s about noticing what you learned, seeing how it shows up, and gently choosing something different when it no longer fits. You’re allowed to build relationships that feel more honest, more stable, and more aligned with who you are now, not just who you had to be.

Working with family systems is my wheel house within the therapy realm. Want to learn more about your attachment patterns? I’m accepting in person therapy clients in Squamish, BC and remote virtual therapy across Canada. 

With love,

Julia Bursey