Is it just me, or have you noticed when you open social media these days every account is saying “you need to set boundaries” or you have Mel Robbins over here telling you to “let them” (that’s a blog post for another day, but for now, check out this video why I think that's totally BS!), because at the end of the day you hear someone say “you need to have boundaries” and often the following feeling is overwhelming, because, what even is a boundary? How do you have them? What does that mean? Well,let me walk you through what it is to have a boundary, and how it can actually be a form of loving someone, versus putting up a wall. 

Setting boundaries with people you love can feel uncomfortable, maybe even selfish. Many of us were taught; explicitly or implicitly, that love means flexibility, availability, and putting others first. So when the idea of boundaries comes up, it can sound harsh, cold, or distancing. Healthy boundaries aren’t walls. They’re not punishments. And they’re definitely not about controlling other people. In reality, boundaries are often one of the clearest ways we show care, for ourselves and for the people we’re in relationship with.

Think about it like this, the people you feel closest too, you likely have the clearest expectations with?

A boundary is a clear statement of what you are responsible for and what you will do to take care of yourself.

Boundaries are:

• About your behaviour, not someone else’s
• Rooted in self-respect, by stating what you will do
• Meant to protect the relationship, not end it

A simple way to think about boundaries is this:

“If X happens, I will do Y.”

For example:

• “If voices get raised, I’m going to leave the room and return in 30 minutes to try again.”
• “If work messages come in after 6pm, I’ll respond the next business day.”

Notice what’s missing? Demands, threats and “you always ____ statements”.

A lot of confusion, and conflict, comes from mixing these three up.

Needs are internal and universal. We all have them: rest, safety, autonomy, connection, respect.

Example:

• “I need downtime in the evenings to reset.”

Needs are valid, but they don’t automatically obligate someone else to act.

A request is asking someone to do something differently, while leaving space for a yes or a no.

Example:

• “Would you be willing to text me before dropping by?”

Requests are collaborative. The other person gets to respond honestly.

A boundary is what you will do if your need isn’t met or your request isn’t agreed to.

Example:

• “If drop-ins continue, I won’t be answering the door.”

Setting boundaries with family, partners, or close friends often brings up guilt, fear, or self-doubt. Especially if you’re the one who feels like the care giver (big love to you, and here’s my letter to you) You might think:

• “They’ll think I’m selfish.”
• “I don’t want to hurt them.”
• “This will cause conflict.” (Read here if you’re curious about conflict avoidance).

But here’s the thing: unspoken resentment causes far more damage than clear boundaries ever will.

Without boundaries, relationships often slide into:

• Passive resentment
• Emotional burnout
• Explosions over “small” things
• Avoidance or emotional shutdown

Boundaries reduce this. They make expectations visible instead of implied.

You don’t need perfect wording. You need clarity and consistency.

A simple, grounded structure:

1. Name the situation (briefly, without blame). “I've begun to notice that every day I leave work, I continue to get phone calls, even when I’m not being paid, or expected to be working”.
2. State your boundary “I’m going to begin turning my phone on Do Not Disturb when I leave the office, and I will check my voicemail, the following morning at the office”
3. Follow through calmly