Guilt is often something that’s widely discussed across all aspects of our daily lives. It’s not uncommon to hear “ah I felt so guilty, I told them no,” or “I felt so guilty that I called in sick” (no really—that second one is one I hear a lot).

Something about that framing has always felt a bit off to me. Not wrong, but imprecise. It often doesn’t sound like the actual emotion someone is experiencing, and yet socially we all nod along—“yeah, I know that feeling.”

Cue me scrolling Instagram one day. I came across a video by Dr. Becki Kennedy,where she said: guilt isn’t about saying no or feeling overwhelmed. True guilt shows up when we act out of alignment with our values. More about that here. 

That landed.

Because when we slow this down, what many people label as “guilt” tends to fall into a few different emotional experiences:

1. Discomfort with disappointing someone
Saying no often brings up the feeling of letting someone down. That can feel heavy, vulnerable or even unsafe depending on your background, and experiences, but it’s not necessarily guilt. It’s the discomfort of not meeting someone else’s expectation, and then having to tolerate that within yourself.

2. Anxiety about relational consequences
“What if they’re upset with me?”
“What if this changes how they see me?”
This is often anxiety, anticipating rupture or rejection, or creating a narrative as to how someone is going to respond.

3. Internalized responsibility for others’ emotions
This is a big one. Many people carry an implicit belief: if someone feels bad, I’ve done something wrong. So when someone is disappointed, frustrated, or inconvenienced, it gets absorbed as “I feel guilty”, when what’s actually happening is over-responsibility, blurred boundaries. If you want to know about my take on boundaries and how to set them with those you love, read more here!

4. Old learning around approval and safety
If approval was tied to being easy, helpful, or accommodating growing up, saying no can feel unsafe. The body reads it as a risk, and that sensation often gets labeled as guilt.

Guilt, in its most useful form, is a values-based emotion. It shows up when we recognize that we have acted in a way that goes against our own internal standards.

For example:

• Speaking harshly in a moment you wish you hadn’t
• Breaking trust
• Acting in a way that doesn’t reflect who you want to be

Guilt here can actually be clarifying. It points us back toward repair, accountability, and alignment.Guilt is not inherently bad, honestly sometimes it helps us repair after acting like a total a**.

A helpful distinction to try on

When the word “guilt” comes up, it can be useful to pause and ask:

• Did I actually do something that goes against my values?
• Am I uncomfortable with someone else’s reaction to my boundary?
• Am I taking responsibility for something that isn’t mine to carry?
  

That middle question tends to open a lot.

“People pleasing” is one of those terms that gets used a lot, often with a tone of self-criticism. But when we unpack it, it’s usually not about being “too nice.”

More often, it’s a relational strategy.

It can look like:

• Prioritizing others’ needs to maintain connection
• Avoiding conflict to reduce anxiety
• Monitoring others’ emotions and adjusting yourself accordingly

Underneath it is often a belief like:
“If I keep things smooth, I stay connected.”
 or
“If someone is upset, it means I’ve done something wrong.”

So when a boundary is set, like saying no, stopping the conversation before it escalates, or asking for something different our internal alarms go off. And that alarm often gets labeled as guilt.

But again, what’s actually there might be:

• Fear of disconnection
• Learned responsibility for others’ feelings
• Discomfort tolerating someone else’s disappointment

Another layer here is how much we can internalize other people’s experiences.

Someone else can feel:

• Disappointed
• Frustrated
• Hurt

And without realizing it, we can translate that into “I did something wrong.”

But there’s an important distinction between impact (how someone feels) and responsibility (what is actually yours to own). You can care about someone’s feelings without being responsible for fixing or preventing them.

Instead of automatically accepting “I feel guilty,” try getting more specific:

• Is this guilt—or is this anxiety, discomfort, or fear?
  
• What value (if any) did I actually violate
• What belongs to me here, and what belongs to the other person?

That level of clarity tends to shift not just how we label the emotion, but how we respond to it.

Because if it’s true guilt, the path is repair. If it’s not, the work is often around boundaries, tolerance of discomfort, and loosening over-responsibility, and identifying your core values.

If you’re needing support with any of these, I’m accepting new in person counselling clients on trail in Squamish, and online across BC. 

With love, 

Julia