For many people, grief doesn’t soften during the holidays; it sharpens. For some, that grief is tied to death, the absence of someone who should be here. For others, it’s the grief of a marriage ending, a family changing shape, or the loss of a life you once imagined you’d be living by now. Sometimes it’s not about who is missing, but what is missing: routines, certainty, belonging, or a version of yourself you no longer recognize.

All of this is grief. And all of it tends to surface at Christmas.

If you’re grieving, the idea of “finding joy” can feel unrealistic, dismissive, or even offensive. This isn’t about silver linings or positive thinking. It’s about understanding that grief doesn’t require you to shut down every other feeling in order to be valid.

One of the more harmful myths around grief is that it moves in a straight line: sadness first, then healing, then happiness. In reality, grief is much more layered. Joy doesn’t arrive after grief has ended; it often shows up alongside it.

You might laugh during a conversation and then feel a wave of guilt. You might enjoy a moment and immediately think, How can I feel this when they’re gone? This push-pull is incredibly common. Feeling joy doesn’t mean your grief is smaller or that your love was shallow. It means you’re human.

Holidays tend to come with expectations, togetherness, happiness, gratitude. When you’re grieving a death, a relationship, or a life that didn’t unfold the way you hoped, those expectations can feel unbearable.

Making room for joy doesn’t mean fully participating in the season or pushing yourself to feel festive. Joy doesn’t need to be earned through effort or performance. It can be quiet and incomplete.

Joy might look like:

• enjoying a moment of calm without needing it to last
• choosing rest over tradition
• finding relief in something familiar or predictable
• feeling neutral when you expected to feel awful

These moments don’t cancel out grief, but help slowly build the internal resource of feeling supported. 

In an earlier post (here), I wrote about traditions and how they can either ground us or feel painfully misaligned when life has changed. Grief often brings this into sharp focus. Traditions can highlight what’s gone: a partner you’re no longer spending the holidays with, a family structure that’s shifted, or a future that once felt certain.

Rather than asking yourself whether to keep or abandon a tradition altogether, it can help to ask:

• What feels manageable this year?
• What feels like too much?
• What could be simplified, adapted, or paused?
• How can I show care to those in my life in a way that feels realistic for me?

Some people keep one small part of a tradition and let the rest go. Others create something entirely new, not to replace what was lost, but to reflect who they are now. There’s no correct approach. Grief changes context, and traditions are allowed to change with it.

A common fear in grief—especially after divorce or major life transition, is that feeling joy means the loss wasn’t real, or that you’re “moving on too quickly.” But joy isn’t a betrayal. It doesn’t undo love, commitment, or meaning.

You don’t need to justify moments of ease or explain them away. Guilt may still show up, and that’s okay. You can acknowledge it without letting it dictate what you’re allowed to feel.

Joy doesn’t mean everything is okay. It means something is bearable right now.

Some years, joy will feel accessible in small ways. Other years, it won’t feel accessible at all. Making room for joy isn’t about insisting it show up, it’s about not closing the door if it quietly appears.

Grief: whether from death, divorce, or the loss of a life you once had, reshapes us. Holidays may never feel the same, but they can feel different: heavier, softer, quieter, or more neutral than expected. All of those experiences are valid.

If this season feels complicated, you’re not failing at it. You’re responding honestly to loss. And within that honesty, there may be moments, brief, real, unforced; where joy and grief sit side by side. If you’re needing extra support this holiday season, or heading into the new year, check out our amazing team of therapists at True Nature, here!