For some people, theres nothing better than a day with no plans, no to-do’s, other than to hang out, watch some movies and just be. For others, that sounds like a deep version of discomfort… this blog post is directed to the latter group of do’ers.

You finally have an empty evening. Nothing on the calendar. No emails that need answering. No workout to complete. No errands that urgently need doing. You sit down, and instead of feeling relieved, you feel restless. Thoughts start to slip in “I should probably do something. I’ve been sitting here for too long. I could at least get something done. Why do I feel so lazy? Just relax! You’re ruining it!”

So you get up. You clean something. Answer an email. Go for a run. Make a plan. Start working on something that wasn't actually urgent. And eventually, you wonder why you have such a hard time relaxing.

For many high-achievers, productivity isn't just something they do. It can become part of how they understand themselves. You might have spent years receiving messages; sometimes directly and sometimes indirectly; that being hardworking is a good thing, and I’m not necessarily here to entirely disagree, just to challenge this just a little bit . Being productive means you're responsible. Accomplishing things means you're successful. Pushing yourself means you're disciplined.

Maybe you learned that the best way to feel proud of yourself was to accomplish something.

Finish the assignment.Get the promotion.Run the race. Hit the goal. Keep a spreadsheet going. Keep the house clean. Help everyone else. Work a little harder.

Over time, these experiences can create an internal equation:

Doing = valuable.
Accomplishing = worthy.
Resting = doing nothing.
Doing nothing = not being enough.

Ambition can be incredibly meaningful. Working toward something you care about can bring purpose, satisfaction, confidence, and joy, behavioural activation and routines are actually some peer reviewed ways to help support feelings of depression.

The problem is when your sense of worth becomes dependent on what you produce. When that happens, rest can start to feel like you're temporarily removing the evidence that you're a good, capable, worthwhile person.

There is also a nervous-system component to this.When you're constantly moving from one task to the next, your attention is directed outward. There's always something to solve, organize, accomplish, improve, or anticipate.

When you finally stop, there is less distraction. And sometimes, what you've been outrunning becomes easier to notice. You might suddenly become aware of how tired you actually are. Or even worse.. what you’re actually feeling!! (yuck! read with sarcasm)

For some people, productivity becomes a very effective way of avoiding uncomfortable internal experiences. Not necessarily consciously. You may not be thinking, I'm going to stay busy so I don't have to feel this. You may simply have learned that being busy feels safer.

So when you stop, your brain interprets the stillness as something that needs to be fixed.

High-achievers can also carry deeply ingrained beliefs about time.

Time should be used well. Free time should be productive. If you have an hour, theres something you should be doing.

And because there is always something you could be doing, there is almost always a reason not to rest.

The laundry could be folded. The inbox could be cleared. You could squeeze in a workout. You could meal prep. You could work ahead. You could read something educational. You could be improving yourself.

And that makes it incredibly easy to spend your entire life waiting for the moment when you've finally "earned" rest. But that moment often doesn't come.

One of the deeper questions underneath discomfort with rest is:

Who am I when I'm not accomplishing anything?

If much of your identity has been built around being productive, capable, independent, successful, helpful, fit, organized, or hardworking, slowing down can feel strangely threatening.

Because if you're not doing those things, you may temporarily lose access to the parts of yourself that have historically made you feel valuable.

This can be especially difficult for people who have received a lot of positive reinforcement for achievement.

Maybe you were the responsible child. The successful student. The dependable employee. The person everyone could count on. The athlete who always trained. The friend who always showed up. There is nothing inherently wrong with being those things.

But if you learned, somewhere along the way, “People value me because of what I do,” then rest can feel like stepping away from the identity that has earned you approval. And that's a much deeper problem than simply "not knowing how to relax."

Your body needs periods of lower stimulation. Your brain needs space to process. Your attention needs breaks. Your relationships need moments that aren't optimized. Your life needs moments without _____. This is something I really began to integrate with reading fiction books. The smutty, romance, murder mystery books; I always told myself I wasn’t much of a reader. Truthfully, it wasn’t that I didn’t like reading, it was actually I didn’t like the self-optimization trap I fell into, into thinking everything I read had to be educational AND I had to remember it. Ultimately my bookshelf became a dumping group for a lot of “I should read ____”, but never did.

If you're used to constantly doing, learning to rest may actually require practice. So I recommend starting small,

Sit outside for ten minutes without your phone. Take a walk without tracking your pace. Drink your coffee without simultaneously answering emails. Have an evening without a plan. Let yourself watch something purely because you enjoy it.

Notice the urge to get up and do something.

Instead of immediately responding to it, get curious.

• What am I worried will happen if I stop?
• What am I telling myself about myself while I'm resting?
• Do I believe I'm still valuable when I'm not accomplishing something?
• What emotions become noticeable when I'm not distracted by doing?
• Who am I when there is nothing to achieve?

The goal isn't to become less ambitious or stop caring about your goals. It's to build a relationship with yourself where your accomplishments can be something you are proud of without becoming the measure of your worth.